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Tomorrow I will, God willing, fly to New Orleans to attend a wedding on Saturday. On Sunday, I will address a congregation seated in a sanctuary for the first time in more than three years. There's a lot to think about, a lot to do in preparation; but I haven't packed yet.
I mentioned my embarrassing time-management behavior in my last post. This afternoon, the theme rose again to the surface of my thoughts. Why do I struggle so with using my time wisely? Maybe the answer has come to me. I am almost ashamed to write about this answer. Still, it should be written. In my writing and in your reading, I (and you) will be forced to confront this idea head-on.
While I was receiving chemotherapy treatments, I was forced to accept my own inevitable death. When my husband died suddenly before my eyes, I was forced to accept the sure deaths of those who are my most beloved. For months, the road ahead of me seemed to be headed straight for a dead end (pun intended). There were no spirals, not even the tiniest hint of a curve in that road. I could see the signs reading "Road ends here. Be READY to stop." The road was arrow straight, narrow and seemed to be downhill. I couldn't see anything except that brilliant sign at the end.
Gradually, I became accustomed to the speed of my travels and the straightness of my road. I began to notice things: people, places, events all around me. As my awareness of my surroundings increased, my focus on THE END grew less - well - focused. Now, the chemotherapy treatments are rarely in my thoughts. I don't think about my husband's funeral every hour, or every day. I have awakened anew to the beauties of LIFE. I find my head less filled with the certainty of death and more with the details of living. Consequently, I ignore the sign; or worse, I couldn't see it if I tried, for my path no longer seems so straight. There are wonderful byways to appreciate. There are loops and switch-backs. Shrubbery, trees, blossoms catch my attention. I am diverted.
In Spanish, the word for "fun" is "divertido." We use "diversion" to indicate participation in activities outside our ho-hum, mundane daily lives. Yet, being diverted can be dangerous.
My "diversion" has caused me to forget the brevity of life. Subconsciously, I have again fallen into the common pattern of believing I have "all the time in the world." I don't feel any urgency to accomplish any particular task. After all, there's plenty of time. How quickly I have allowed myself again to join the procrastination club. After having been compelled to put these thoughts into writing, I think I must drop my membership.
Bible verses about man's limited lifespan roll around in my head. Years ago, as a young Pentecostal, an I'm-looking-for-Jesus-to-come, Rapture-ready Pentecostal, I learned "No man has the promise of tomorrow." We lived on the brink of being taken away, of hearing the sound of the trumpet of God, and the shout of an archangel. There was no time to waste. What happened to my sense of urgency? Weeks, months, years . . . decades were torn off our calendars. The steady rhythm of morning and evening, sunrise and sunset rocked me into complacency. Cancer and death stung me. I awoke. I'm feeling drugged again. And I don't like it.
I need to be busy. I need to remember the sign flashing on the horizon. "The End Is Near." Yes, I need to be busy. And the first thing I need to do is get that suitcase packed.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Spring Spirals into Summer
Briefly, I'm overwhelmed. I truly thought this blog would be updated weekly, if not daily, yet that has not happened. In fact, I'm in need of confessing. My time management skills are in a state of embarrassing disarray.
This post will be intense, and condensed. The school year is almost over. I'm about to hit the road, visitng friends, family and churches as I prepare to leave for Africa (hopefully by the middle of August). Call or write if you would like me to visit your home or church. Or, write or call Church of God World Missions to receive information about my new assignment (#065-0834).
My son Travis was home a couple of weeks ago. We enjoyed his visit. His brother and sister, in-laws and nieces and nephews filled my house. Laughter, love, and lip-smaking eating took place for 6 packed days. Then, suddenly he was gone . . . on his way to Baghdad for six months. His wife and two children stayed in Japan, on the base where he is officially stationed.
The LORD has a plan for each of our lives. When I am falling asleep each night, I trust His plan. When I wake up each morning, I rejoice in His plan. The steps we take are not particularly easy, but He guides us with His Light. All we have to do is follow that Light and practice obedience.
On the last Saturday of 2007, I went to the beach alone. While I was scanning for shells, a thought occured to me: "That which you seek shall be cast at your feet." I wondered. Why would such a thing pop into my head? I wasn't seeking for anything. Or was I? When I walk on the beach, my motive is double. I look for beautiful shells. Well, was I about to shift my eyes to see that beautiful murex resting at my toes?
I also try to clear the fog out of my head while I am walking. This time, I couldn't think of anything I was actively seeking. Yes, I want the house to sell. Yes, I want . . . You get the picture. I WANT just like everyone else. But, SEEK? What do I seek? For weeks, I struggled with this concept of SEEKING. Finally, I think I began to understand. That which I seek is to be perfectly conformed to the will of God, and to be obedient to His guidance.
Tonight, I am trembling. Sunday morning, I will speak to a group of people near New Orleans. For more than three years, I have not stood behind a pulpit to minister the Word of the Lord. I have testified. I have not done more. Suddenly, I remember the weight of bringing the Word of the Lord to a group of people. Now, I must stand up in obedience and deliver the message God lays on my heart. May it please the Lord to allow me to be perfectly conformed to His Will, and may I be brave, courageous enough to speak the Word with boldness.
More spiraling lies ahead . . . the patterns become ever more beautiful. I live in constant gratitude, with joy, peace and contentment.
If you are one to remember dates, you know that yesterday completed two years of widowhood for me. I have learned to be grateful for the time I had with Lamar, for the joys, the blessings, the pleasures, the travels: all that life with Lamar entailed. I miss him, but I have learned, again, to be content, in whatever state I find myself. God is good. And His Mercy endures forever.
This post will be intense, and condensed. The school year is almost over. I'm about to hit the road, visitng friends, family and churches as I prepare to leave for Africa (hopefully by the middle of August). Call or write if you would like me to visit your home or church. Or, write or call Church of God World Missions to receive information about my new assignment (#065-0834).
My son Travis was home a couple of weeks ago. We enjoyed his visit. His brother and sister, in-laws and nieces and nephews filled my house. Laughter, love, and lip-smaking eating took place for 6 packed days. Then, suddenly he was gone . . . on his way to Baghdad for six months. His wife and two children stayed in Japan, on the base where he is officially stationed.
The LORD has a plan for each of our lives. When I am falling asleep each night, I trust His plan. When I wake up each morning, I rejoice in His plan. The steps we take are not particularly easy, but He guides us with His Light. All we have to do is follow that Light and practice obedience.
On the last Saturday of 2007, I went to the beach alone. While I was scanning for shells, a thought occured to me: "That which you seek shall be cast at your feet." I wondered. Why would such a thing pop into my head? I wasn't seeking for anything. Or was I? When I walk on the beach, my motive is double. I look for beautiful shells. Well, was I about to shift my eyes to see that beautiful murex resting at my toes?
I also try to clear the fog out of my head while I am walking. This time, I couldn't think of anything I was actively seeking. Yes, I want the house to sell. Yes, I want . . . You get the picture. I WANT just like everyone else. But, SEEK? What do I seek? For weeks, I struggled with this concept of SEEKING. Finally, I think I began to understand. That which I seek is to be perfectly conformed to the will of God, and to be obedient to His guidance.
Tonight, I am trembling. Sunday morning, I will speak to a group of people near New Orleans. For more than three years, I have not stood behind a pulpit to minister the Word of the Lord. I have testified. I have not done more. Suddenly, I remember the weight of bringing the Word of the Lord to a group of people. Now, I must stand up in obedience and deliver the message God lays on my heart. May it please the Lord to allow me to be perfectly conformed to His Will, and may I be brave, courageous enough to speak the Word with boldness.
More spiraling lies ahead . . . the patterns become ever more beautiful. I live in constant gratitude, with joy, peace and contentment.
If you are one to remember dates, you know that yesterday completed two years of widowhood for me. I have learned to be grateful for the time I had with Lamar, for the joys, the blessings, the pleasures, the travels: all that life with Lamar entailed. I miss him, but I have learned, again, to be content, in whatever state I find myself. God is good. And His Mercy endures forever.
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